(This was an April Fools Joke.)
With the vaccine in place and restrictions relaxing on Maui, visitors are at a frenzy to visit one of the most popular vacation destinations in the country, and big corporations are quickly realizing the advantage of opening locations in the Aloha State. As part of Maui County’s new Growth Plan, dramatic reconstruction of some of Maui’s most popular towns has been approved, including Lahaina, Wailuku and Hana.
West Maui
Aloha Waterworld Resort & Waterpark
Demolition begins next week on Lahaina Town’s newest project, the Aloha Waterworld Resort & Waterpark, a five star resort resembling the 1995 post-apocalyptic action film. According to investors, the hotel will include a Waterworld-themed luau, set on a floating stage on the surface of the 500,000 gallon wave pool. Located directly off of West Maui’s famous Front Street, the resort is expected to be one of the highest priced destination resorts in the country. Custom trimarans will be designed to transport guests from shore to the offshore resort and water park, and priority access will be given to anyone who can sufficiently prove they are friends with Kevin Costner.
Walmerica
Phase 2 for Lahaina also includes another massive undertaking, a controversial BIG BOX-funded Mall of America, or ‘Walmerica’. All existing Front Street shops, galleries, museums and restaurants will close for construction beginning July 1st in preparation for the 150-store, 12 story oceanfront shopping utopia that will replace the historic Pioneer Inn and 6 acres of surrounding property. While much opposition has come from nearby residents, lead project investor James Van Der Beek (no relation to the actor), replied that “it was only a matter of time before Lahaina became the next Las Vegas, and if there’s one thing Maui needs, it’s a decent Lady Foot Locker with a view.”
Central Maui
Iao Highway
With the addition of the Walmerica, a special highway will be built to increase traffic flow within the already congested area of downtown Lahaina. The new highway will begin at the existing site of the historic Iao Needle and continue through the West Maui Mountains until reaching Walmerica’s rooftop parking lot, which includes a mandatory $17.50 valet parking fee and proof of purchase within the hour.
While members of Maui County have done their best to save Iao Needle, it appears that the top half will be cut down to make room for the highway’s onramp and corresponding Walmerica billboard. Highway architect Sarah Michelle Gellar (no relation to the actress), says that “no matter what people may think, this will be the most beautiful highway in all of America, if not the world. Why look at history when you can drive straight across it!”
East Maui
Jurassic Theme Park
While most Growth Plan projects are scheduled to begin later this year, East Maui was the first to jump aboard plans for major reconstruction, already tearing down multiple miles of the Road to Hana in the area between Wai’anapanapa State Park and O’heo Gulch (aka Seven Sacred Pools) in order to make room for Maui’s new Jurassic Theme Park, slated to open for business in early 2021.
Featuring a ride called ‘Clever Girl’ that will allow theme park attendees to ride an animatronic Velociraptor from the former site of O’heo Gulch to Hana Bay, the Jurassic Theme Park will also offer a state-of-the-art Sky Tram, ‘Hold Onto Your Butts’, offering exciting panoramic views of the park’s Tyrannosaurus Tex Mex Food Court and peekaboo views of several former historical sites. The tram ends at what is being heralded from early VIP rehearsal viewers as the most unique if not the best Maui Luau, with hula dancing Jeff Goldblum impersonators and fire dancing velociraptors. While all employees will be required to wear a dinosaur costume and speak only in quotes from the hit movie, the theme park will create approximately 17 new part-time jobs for the island.
For those still interested in experiencing the scenic Road to Hana, we suggest a hearty swim from Paia Town (be aware of heavy fines associated with coming ashore near construction sites) or a 15 minute flight on Walmerica Air (only $300 with associated Walmerica investment presentations).
Mahalo for reading! For more information or specific questions regarding Maui County’s Growth Plan, please contact Sean Puffy Combs (no relation to the rapper/producer/actor/entrepreneur).
OH, and in case you’re still in the dark:
And so it’s not a joke anymore
Lasers from space certainly are.
Oh wow! Had me for a minute! Grateful Maui’s sense of humor has survived 2020 !!! Can’t wait to see my favorite place!
We remember Maui when it was a very laid back place and it was not bumper to bumper traffic. The Big Island is a better choice for us OR Molokai-too bad the Molokai Ranch Lodge closed it was AWESOME!!
Thank goodness that was an april fools. I almost cried!
You got me!!! Omg! I was freaking out! I love Maui just the way it is! My daughter got married there 4 years ago and I wanted to come back in the future. As I was reading I was thinking someone has lost their minds! To destroy such majestic beauty is criminal! By the way, Waterworld Resort??? Worst idea ever, lol! You really had me going all the way to the end. Thank God this is not true. Whew, what a relief!
Very creative!!! But boy am I glad this was an April Fiools joke! Nice one!
Oh my gosh I was seriously about to start crying!! I LOVE Maui and all those things made me so sad lol
Maui will always have my heart and respect ❤️
That is definitely what Maui DOES NOT need. All of these will ruin the beauty of the island. When most malls are struggling now a days why would you build a huge mall.
Great job
I thought it couldn’t happen.
Not in Maui
Maybe Oahu
This was NOT funny! As a former Maui resident for 10 years in the 80’s-90’s and frequent visitor in the years since I returned to the Mainland; I would be heartbroken to see this scenario come true! Part of the beauty and charm in going to Hawaii is seeing the reminders of the old Island days. To see the demise of old Lahaina town, Front Street, Pioneer Inn; the Road to Hana; desecration of Iao Valley and any other destruction of the infrastructure would be the end of the Islands and certainly my last trip to what I still consider to be my home. WHY would anyone want to loose the incomparable beauty of the Islands for another big shopping mall?!?
You got us…..We were thinking of all the dollars that had to change hands to get the permits…..LOL
Thus better be an April fools joke. Maui needs to stay like it is. We should learn from ‘Oahu.
We visit Maui every year and consider it our second home until we can move there and make it our forever home. I was fuming while reading what was going to happen to Lahaina town! How dare anyone mess with our favorite place on the island. What was going to happen to Fleetwoods and all of the other restaurants on Front Street? They can’t all survive in a mall! Cutting off the top of the IAO Needle was unacceptable as well and destroying parts of the Hana highway, oh HELL NO! Maui has already grown to much from the first time I visited as a 17 year old.
Got me!!! Was getting a bit worked up. Like what the heck!!
Well played.
Love, love, love it – made me laugh out loud!!!
Holy shit; i was pissed for a good few minutes…now am veryyyy relieved lol
If this is a stupid April fools joke – it backfired. I’m canceling all my future vacations to a Maui nowx
Had me going, I could not imagine the local and native residents allowing this to happen, even in a small bit, Thank the Gods and Goddesses.
I was so upset, been going every year for the last 23 years and have seen Maui grow, but this. Lahaina is so quaint and love to go there and walk the streets and look in all the shops. Was thinking maybe I would have to go to Kauai next time, but then to see it was all a joke. So happy it will remain beautiful. Will be back at the end of the year.
I was so mad I didn’t finish the article- gave it to my husband and he figured it out pretty quickly. Ya got me!
I love Maui and my heart has always been in Lahaina and Western Maui. Reading this had me going until the end of the article. I’m sure change is needed but not what is in this article. Lahaina and Maui is so awesomely beautiful with so much history.
This is a mean joke
Some joke. I was ready to cry
Oh my god we were just there in February and fell in love. Thought how wonderful that they try to keep the land unchanged in places. Never got to finish Hana road trip. Then read this?! My heart sank. We were coming back in 5 years and all things we wanted to see will be gone? Then my husband says you sure it’s not a joke. Made me read further then said oh that was probably the meanest joke ever played. But so glad it is a joke. Well done.
April fools day?
Had me going, too. Love Maui and hope to get back there soon. Aloha.
Thank God this isn’t true! Maui is beautiful the way it is and one of the reasons I visit so often.
I thought I’m glad I’m old I won’t have to see this. Funny, Walmerica was great.
I was transplanted to Lahaina Maui when I was 13 years old I finished my last 3 years of high school there.I graduated Lahaina Luna high School 1977 I have come back and lived several times since. To see plans such as these and what’s already gone on is heartbreaking. Maui was once beautiful and majestic not just a bunch of concrete buildings and over trafficed.
Not funny! I was getting ready to quit my job move there and begin protesting like they did to stop the Super Ferry.
My heart sank and I was considering canceling our upcoming trip to Maui! Major anxiety!!
Thankfully this is APRIL FOOL!!! To the people of Hawaii, protect your heritage, do not let big money destroy what you have. Stop selling your property to the rich and selfish… fight to keep your country yours!! You have so much more than money…
Ya got me! Although I was a little skeptical due to how much I know the Maui Island loves their pure beauty and natural sea, land and air space! Love you Maui, be there soon, just as you beautiful are!!
I was soooooo sad to read this but….you got me!!
Please don’t do this to the islands
You had me going until you mentioned The Road to Hana that my husband and I traveled last year and saw no construction. We will be visiting again this year and are happy Maui will remain the beautiful Island that it is✈️
Hi Kelsey,
You totally had me and I was pretty happy and sad all at the same time. Was there 5 years ago when we were Just Maui’d I told you we would be back in 5 years and we are coming this year. Surprised your still there I thought you were leaving. Glad you stayed and now you can help us when we get back there. Glad this was an April fools joke. Funny thing is I get promoted on April Fools day this year to LT. of my fire department. Hope that’s not an April fools joke as well. Lol. See you soon 🙂 Leave Maui just the way it is.
Too darn funny! Good job Kelsey and Chris.
had my bags packed, have been looking for an excuse to move there with my family as I am a construction worker / heavy equipment operator, this would have made it possible…darn it
It was all bad except for the highway to Lahaina. That would be awesome! Although they could probably do it without cutting off the top of Iao Needle I’m guessing 🙂
I was reading this in stunned disbelief and horror. What in the world were they thinking to destroy so much of nature’s beauty and replace it with Vegas type atrocities.
Thank goodness I got to the end and saw it was an April Fools joke. Good one! Whew!
OMG! I just kept saying no, no, no. This will ruin Maui! And then I went down to see Wheaties others were saying when I realized it was a joke, Thank Goodness!!!!! We love Maui just like it is as I’m sure the locals do too, I truly hope nothing similar to this ever happens there.
keep hawaii how it is ! it’s an island ! not the mainland .. born & raised on Maui so keep it how it is
I got so angry and the entire time my mind was saying, “nah this is a joke” but I still believed it lmao
Thank God it’s a joke. I pray this never happens. Leave Maui just the way it is!
Cute & creative!
Nice joke! I bet you never know Maui is kapu.. That’s OK! Later you learn why Maui no ka oi… Aloha!
Got me ! I was crying. My husband said I’m sure it’s an April Fools day joke.
Naw, I knew it was an April Fools joke when I saw the first picture! Please tell me that these things could NEVER happen to the most beautiful island in the world!
I believe Hana would go to war before something like this happens. I questioned the hotel in the water and then the mall where Pioneer is, but have to a admit my heart was a thumping. Beware Maui this could happen if you keep closing your eyes.
Shoot! My blood was boiling until I saw the April’s fool. Your there would be a war!
Totally excellent Aprils Fool joke, split second uh oh and then, “no way would my favourite island in the world do this to me”
Okay cutting off the top of the Iao Needle shocked me then…I got it 🙂
OH, SOUNDS LIKE OUR INFAMOUS SENATOR FROM MAUI…ROZ BAKER HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS…IF IT WERE FOR REAL…??
I was actually getting sick to my stomach and VERY ANGRY. That wasn’t very nice.
Good! This is a joke, but this kind of thing is happening in different ways. We need to be really careful of how we grow on Maui, and the community needs to be involved in making sure everything is well thought out before big money builds over important, sensitive areas.
Wow that’s a Good One!!!
I bought it right up to the end and it sscared the hell out of me.
Lol I almost had a bitch fit
Some of these are great ideas 🙂
Says the Tiny House guy. #TinyWalMerica? #TinyBoxStores?
As soon as I got to “Walmerica” I knew is was BS
That’s when I knew, too!
Nice Kevin Costner impersonation.
You should see our Field of Dreams reenactment… 😉
Good One! I was about to sell my timeshare!
Yep, reading this made me sick to my stomach until the end. You got us this time. I could not believe that Maui would let such a thing happen to that beautiful Island.
I was beginning to have a coronary when about halfway down the page I realized what day it was. You got me.
OMG!!!! You got me good!! I was half way to Lahaina!!!!!
Not nice…you got me at first, but then when I read about taking the top off of the Iao Needle, I knew that was crazy. April Fools!! Love Maui.
Wow. That almost caused a heart attack. Glad it’s just April Fool. Love Maui just the way it is.
I agree with Tammy. Very sad.
This makes me sad… I loved Maui because it wasn’t commercialized…and now this looks like it’ll ruin that… :(((
You got me. I was getting ready to cancel my trip. I love Lahaina just the way it is.
Wow…am I ever happy that this is not happening…..love Maui the way it is♥♥
I was just so mad about to blow my top, and said out loud NO! Then I remembered what day it was and looked ahead in this article, I must say you got me! My great great great, grandfather fought the Kings army at Iao Valley, my mother was born in Hana, and so was I. Our ohana is few in number yet willing to fight again at Iao! Just saying……………….Akua on Ohana side.
Oh, my heart was breaking for my beautiful Maui. You got me and mainly because my son, a resident, was just talking to me about changes that are happening (i.e. Target)
I knew it when they said they were going to cut off the top Iao Needle… whew!
Haha! That’s the best (read horrible) visual
I OMG I WAS CRAZY READING THIS GOOD ONE MAUI FOR A HORRIBLE TIME READING THIS UNTIL THE END LOL LOVE MY ISLAND HOME MAUI ❤
I hope they don’t do this…
Thank goodness it isn’t real. I go for the beautiful scenery and would hate to see it destroyed.
omg you got me. i was pissed.
Very creative, and thank goodness none of it is true! Nice job you guys 🙂
Got me. I was really sad to hear about all of the crazy construction. It would ruin Maui ‘s beauty
Not funny ……Aloha …..fool
I agree , ist horrible
Maui needs a change. ?.not that drastically!!!!
AGREED!